The 10 Songs We'd Play for Aliens to Teach Them About Earth

Some day Mother Earth is inevitably going to be visited by lifeforms from a far off galaxy, who, unlike the other people we call Aliens, won’t yet hate us. They are going to want to be given a rundown on our society, or else they’ll probably do the first thing that comes to mind when any group of beings is unsure of their next move, and start killing Jews. We can’t let this happen. We’ll have to give them those Cliff’s Notes while entertaining them just the same.

Obviously, we’ll just give them a sampling of our popular music, painting a more complete psychological picture of Earth’s inhabitants than any timeless literature or Gimme’ a Break rerun could provide. So what will we play for them? What will we say to them?

10. Snoop Dogg feat. Dr. Dre – Who Am I(What’s My Name?)(1993) – The most popular music in the world is called “rap,” which everyone seems to secretly love because it helps them pretend they’re much less “pussy” than they actually are. It makes you want to kill your cousin over a dirty look but will help you mate as it makes girls act sluttier than a thick girl with a big rack. You know you’re listening to it when you hear a guy or gal cursing a lot, shouting noises that don’t seem like words, and repeating his or her own name like they’re the Flowers for Algernon guy. Got it, you headneck bust-ass muthafucka? Use this shit on your own people in both mind control and dry humping situations.

9. Neil Young – Rockin’ in the Free World (1989) – See, this music stuff can mean something more underneath the surface. Neil Young plays rock music at its purest. An idolized freak and an electric guitar, that’s all it takes. It makes the people listening to it want to wig out and go ape shit as if someone is actually trying to stop them. Just don’t let it convince you to stop going to high school.

8.USA for Africa – We are the World (1984) – Every once in a while music will be dominated by certain stylistic fads, if you will, and society will follow suit. All the music will sound extremely similar, everyone will love it more than their family, and ten years later those same sheepish hypocrites will make fun of it like it’s a poor kid at a private school. On this sample of one such era, the voice of every person that has ever achieved fame through music can be heard in uplifting discord.

7 & 6. Julio Iglesias- To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before(1984) and Barry White -Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe(1974) – Here on Earth you’ll run into these total D-bags that judge people by the color of their skin. The “black” and “brown” people get ragged on pretty badly by these aforementioned assknuckles, whom also make a big deal about the growing presence of these unfairly treated people throughout society. However, they rightly blame these too magical artists for singlehandedly boosting the birthrates of these “minority populations.”

5. Michael Jackson- Billie Jean(1983) -A song is a great tool to use to send a message about a social issue, like molesting kids, fun-but-bad-for-you drugs, or unwanted pregnancies. For instance, “Billie Jean Is Not My Lover/ She’s Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One/But The Kid Is Not My Son.” But keep in mind, no one will ever pay attention to your super important implication if the song’s beat and rhythm is as bumpin’ as this pre-pee-pee-touchin’ MJ jam.

4.The Grateful Dead – Terrapin Station(1977) – There’s this stuff our leaders once accidentally made when trying to find another way to control us, called LSD or “acid.” I don’t know if you guys have anything like this where you come from, but I do know that you Aliens better turn on, tune in, and drop out to the millions of hours of music made solely to jam to when this acid business is making you feel like the trees are playing Tetris on your forehead and your fingers are dripping all over your pants.

3. Nirvana – Polly(1991) – I assure you Aliens that we are an advanced life form. Only on Earth can a song written by a suicidal drug addict, graphically describing a rape-and-kidnapping plucked from the headlines, be used by privileged preteens to justify hating their providers, cutting themselves, and wanting “everyone to just die, and leave me alone!”

2. J-Lo feat. Ja Rule – I’m Real(2001) – Don’t be intimidated by the artistry I’ve shown you thus far and go thinking you have no chance to contribute to our wealth of popular music. Just take a listen to this ditty. The guy who sounds like he had his throat massaged by a Stegosarus’ balls is technically “singing” as well. This song was pretty much the most popular thing in the world for what seemed like 72 years. People became millionaires off of this shit. Seriously. I’m not fucking with you guys. I’m really not.

1. John Lennon – Imagine(1971) – For centuries, our society has battled with the overwhelming ills of war and poverty. People always act like they want things to get better, but then blatantly contribute to the worsening of these problems. A while back, this really amazing man wrote this beautiful song that we thought might finally get through to the masses and lead our collectively douchey society down the path to righting its wrongs. But then some fat loser shot this guy dead while pretending to be some melodramatic character from some overrated book. No one has really filled Lennon’s shoes since, and these problems have only gotten worse. Oops!