As we mentioned yesterday, we’ve added the deliciously tactless Chicago sketch comedy powerhouse “Cell Camp.”  Below is their picture.  Now you know why I told you to hide Fido or at least make him wear a diaper…

Like I said, in-between sets they’ll be randomly taking the stage and infecting your ears with some thought-provoking sentiment and filling your belly with more laughs than a mom trying to subtly show off her aging cleavage.
Check out their shenanigans here….

We wish we could brand these ten tasty facts on all of your mid-sections, but we can’t, so we’ll just blog about it instead.  So here are a few nuggets about the fest that you may not have heard about yet.

1. Squeeze-Bot, Josh Phillips Folk Festival, Holy Ghost Tent Revival, and Off-the-Wagon Bluegrass Band have all been added to the 2009 festival lineup due to their great efforts in this year’s Last Banjo Standing Contest

2. There will be in-balcony performances by Chicago bluegrass bands The Giving Tree Band and Tangleweed.  When the curtain goes down on the big stage at the end of each set, the spotlight goes up on the balcony.

3. ATTENTION EVERYONE: Bring your instruments and join in on the continuous pickin’ circle. You’re all welcome to join in with whatever you’re hittin’ or strummin’.  These jam circles will pop up throughout the lobby in between sets on the Jambase.com Pavilion Stage (http://www.congresschicago.com/galleryc/images/o.jpg)

4. There’ll be a smoking lounge that does not require you to leave the building.  See what we’ve done here?  A huge favor for you, and a huge necessity in making this as close to the true summer festivals we all know and love.  Tricky, yes, but awesome and necessary in the Chicago winter.

5. Live art exhibits, merch & food vendors, and causes everywhere you look.  Artists will be performing their respective crafts while selling their goods to help raise money for charity.  No art form is too obscure, so be ready for some heady sensory input.

6.  Improv comedy performances from Second City’s “Cell Camp” (http://cellcamp.blogspot.com/) also in-between sets on the main stage.  When the balcony bluegrass subsides, focus your attention back on the stage for this troupe of heathens.  They’re funnier than whomever else you’d be talking to at the time, I promise.

7. Door Open at 11am, and music will push on until midnight. Re-entry (going outside and coming back in) is allowed until 5pm, after which you have to stay inside and enjoy yourself instead of cutting out to get high in your car every five minutes.

8. There’ll be some costume-clad marching bands parading through the event at opportune times. I expect it to be as cool as that Nick Cannon movie that came out years back. If you’re in a marching band or know someone in one, have them e-mail me at michael.raspatello@gmail.com, because the more the merrier.

9.  There’ll be an after-party at the one and only ELBO ROOM, with free admission for those with a festival ticket-stub.  The music at the after party will go until 3am and performers will be from the festival lineup and be announced at the show throughout the day.

10.  And if you pay attention to only one thing we bring to your attention, let it be the amazing work of the The Saving Tiny Hearts Society (www.savingtinyhearts.org)

BONUS:  If you like wasting time on the internet like the rest of humanity, check out the 50 Worst Billboard #1 Hits of All-Time

No matter how many millions of people like and support a certain thing, like age-of-consent laws, there are some things I just can’t agree with. So here they are, the 50 Worst Songs to ever reach #1 on a Billboard Chart, somewhere in this world. If judging the pantheon of #1s on musical and lyrical merit alone, I obviously could have included every chart-topper since ‘93 and made this a Top 1000 list. But I instead only included the 50 songs that I couldn’t even see or understand someone taking a liking to, no matter how many tokes of the tasty turtle I took or relationships I melodramatically ended.

50. Celine Dione – My Heart Will Go On (1998)

49. Uncle Kracker – Follow Me (1999)

48. Rednex – Cotton Eye Joe (1995)

47. Minnie Riperton – Lovin’ You (1975)

46. Will Smith – Wild Wild West (1999)

45. Whitney Houston – Greatest Love of All (1986)

44. Toby Keith – Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (2001)

43. Mr. Mister – Broken Wings (1986)

42. Bryan Adams – Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (1995)

41. Chicago – You’re the Inspiration (1985)

40. The Rembrandts – I’ll Be There For You (1995)

39. Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry, Be Happy (1988)

38. Limp Bizkit – Rollin’ (2000)

37. Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart (1992)

36. Starship – We Built This City (1985)

35. Donna Summer – MacArthur Park (1978)

34. Terry Jacks – Seasons in the Sun (1974)

33. Elton John – Crocodile Rock (1973)

32. The Eagles – Best of My Love (1975)

31. Bee Gees – How Deep is Your Love (1977)

30. A Taste of Honey – Boogie Oogie Oogie (1978)

29 Peabo Bryson & Regina Bell – A Whole New World (1993)

28. Los Del Rio – Macarena (1996)

27. Hanson – MMMbop (1997)

26. Destiny’s Child – Independent Woman Part 1 (2001)

25. Starland Vocal Band – Afternoon Delight (1976)

24 Bobby Goldsboro – Honey (1968)

23. Rick Dees – Disco Duck (1976)

22. Debbie Boone – You Light Up My Life (1977)

21. Clay Aikens – This is the Night (2002)

20. Zagar and Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) (1969)

19. Nelly – Grillz (2006)

18. Jermaine Jackson – Don’t Take it Personal (1989)

17. The Association – Windy (1967)

16. Lonestar – Amazed (2000)

15. Nickelback – How You Remind Me (2001)

14. Captain & Tennille – Do That To Me One More Time (1980)

13. D4L – Laffy Taffy (2006)

12. Bobbie Gentry – Ode to Billie Joe (1967)

11. J-Lo & Ja Rule – I’m Real (2001)

10. Elton John – Candle in the Wind 97 (1998) - I never really had any beef with the paparazzi until I realized that this song was their fault too. Hopefully the tune EJ writes when Princes Harry ODs won’t become as popular.

9. Barry Manilow – I Write the Songs (1976)- Yes Barry, you do write the songs…. that make my parents 69 on their anniversary and my lunch shoot back up my esophagus like an eighth Jager shot.

8. Dawn feat. Tony Orland0 – Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree (1973) -From Wikipedia: The symbol became widely known in civilian life in the 1970s. It was the central theme of the popular song “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree“, Written by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown and recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn among many others. It referred to the sign a released convict requested from his wife or lover, to indicate that she still wanted him and that he would therefore be welcome to return home. He would be able to see it from the bus driving by their house, and would stay on the bus in the absence of the ribbon. He turned out to be very welcome: there were a hundred yellow ribbons. Wow Miss Convict-Monger, I thought you said when he hit you the first time that it was over for good?

7. Crazy Town – Butterfly (2001) -I always wondered what happened to the anal cyst that got lanced off the butthole of that 311 cover band I used to see back in South Venice.

6. Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder – Ebony and Ivory (1982)
This song is so bad it makes you wonder if those Segregationists may have been on to something. That asshole Strom Thurmond reportedly co-produced this record as part of a red-state conspiracy.

5. Snow – Informer (1993) - Dude, my cousin in Cleveland totally knows all the words to this.

4. Black-Eyed Peas – My Humps (2005) – If we’re talking looks alone, I’d say the lumps Fergie left on boyfriend Josh Duhamel’s testes were more attractive than the fat-girl mosquito bites on her chest.

3. Cher – Believe (1999) – Maybe Cher should have gotten plastic surgery on her voice?

2. All 4 One – I Swear (1994)- Attention! Attention! T-minus 4.5 minutes until that 8th grade ginger feels his first over-the-bra tatas!

1. Santana feat. Rob Thomas – Smooth (1999) - Santana, It should have been you instead of Richie Valens in that plane that night. Just go back to playing the bad guy in Three Amigos and stop ruining your own reputation.

The Giving Tree Band planted its roots more than five years ago, built on a foundation of Americana and a sustainable philosophy. The Chicago Blue Grass and Blues Festival is not quite the one year anniversary of their first release, Unified Folk Theory. Since then, TGTB have been the first band ever reviewed in Mother Earth News. They have recorded 2.5 more albums: the ‘world’s greenest album’; a Concert for Peace celebrating the Dalai Lama; and several songs inspired by the upcoming movie, “Public Enemies” with Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. TGTB submitted the songs live one Saturday and so impressed the casting director they were extras in scenes by that Monday. Studio versions include Casey Driessen of Sparrow Quartet on fiddle.

Their positive and accessible personalities, including appearances at music and eco fairs, make them a media friendly interview. NBC, ABC, WGN and RedEye have all ran pieces on TGTB. November, the same month as the CBGB Fest, “Woodsongs Old-Time Radio Hour” will have TGTB ask guest November 3. That Monday at 7 PM the live recording will stream from Woodsongs.com, then again two and three months later on 500 stations and XM respectively, with PBS a possibility.

Songs from all their projects will be performed in prime time at the Chicago Blue Grass and Blues Festival, November 22 at the Congress Theater. Playing two slots before David Grisman and the Avett Brothers, The Giving Tree Band is set for special main hall balcony performances in the classic one mic tradition.

What to Expect at CBGB November 22:
The Giving Tree Band Rocks Green Festival 2008-
“For those of you who were not one of the 30,000 attendees at the Green Festival that took place at Navy Pier in Chicago last weekend, here’s what you missed…an outstanding performance by Chicago’s very own eco-folk rockers, The Giving Tree Band. The largest audience of the weekend gathered as the band took the stage.”     — EcoRazzi.com

Interviews available before or at the festival… Thanks for your support of the band and the first annual “indoor all day fest” dubbed Chicago Blue Grass and Blues Festival.

World’s Greenest Album Recorded at Aldo Leopold ‘Studios’–
Great Possessions, the now named album mentioned below, is finished and will be released Spring/Summer ‘09. The Giving Tree Band presents the World’s First Carbon Free Album. Recording the ‘world’s greenest album’ took place at the ‘world’s greenest building’, the Aldo Leopold Legacy Center. Carbon Free meaning no pollutants are made during the recording and production, a step farther than offsetting emissions (Carbon Neutral).

The Giving Tree Band produced their second album using only renewable energy and recycled materials. The album was created in the most environmentally friendly way currently possible and is 100% carbon neutral. No electricity came from a grid source. All of the power used in the recording, editing, mixing, mastering, post-production, even the manufacturing and CD duplication, comes from renewable wind and solar energy. The CD packaging will also be made from 100% recycled materials of the highest post-consumer content, and after the completion of this project, ten trees will continue to be planted for every thousand CD’s produced to offset emissions created in the shipping process. Essentially, this album will be the greenest ever and do no ecological harm to the planet.

Mother Earth News Magazine First Music Review Ever!-
Giving Back to the Trees, The Giving Tree Band makes music with a mission.
The Giving Tree Band’s “Unified Folk Theory” is worth a listen.

“Folk fans will appreciate the varied American music traditions found on The Giving Tree Band’s double-CD set, “Unified Folk Theory.” The acoustic quartet from Chicago seamlessly combines their traditional folk style with plucky bluegrass, then tosses in a dose of early Bob Dylan for good measure.

Even better, the band’s on an eco-mission: the CDs were manufactured at the wind-powered Earthology Records using recycled materials; manufacturing and shipping pollutants are offset by planting 10 trees for every 1,000 CDs sold, and the band’s instruments are made of naturally fallen trees and recycled wood. The Giving Tree Band encourages a spirit of community through artful expression, with lyrics that give an uplifting boost to like-minded souls who care for the Earth.”      –Stephanie Bloyd

SAMPLE REVIEWS
“They’re an all-acoustic folk music group that sings about cherishing the earth and living simply.”
-Steve Edwards, Chicago Public Radio

“They write songs worth hearing.”
-Richard Milne, 93WXRT Chicago

“The band sounds awesome, absolutely. The music has a serious atmospheric quality to it, mighty fine stuff.”
-Cary Allen Fields, Columnist for Bluegrass Now

“Their music is real and vibrant; a good piece of Midwestern Americana.”
-Brian Campbell, ChicagoAtHome.com (CBS radio)

“The best folk songs you’re likely to hear in a long time. The Giving Tree Band’s status as a band to watch is undeniable.”
-Anthony Bennett, CDREVIEWS.COM

“Great songwriting and passion for the concepts behind the words and music and stands up to the best in the folk/newgrass/Americana music industry.”
-Rich Reardin, “In Search Of A Song” (Syndicated Radio)

“Living what they sing, transforming words into a journey through time, The Giving Tree Band promotes wholesome, earth friendly living, giving back to the community through their songs.”
-Nina Goodrich, JAZZREVIEW.COM

For Interviews with David Grisman, The Giving Tree Band or Chicago Blue Grass and Blues Festival Organizers…
CONTACT: Anthony Scott Piatt
fly@flyonthewallmedia.com
812.336.7938

Press kits for TGTB, Grisman and CBGB here…
(Press Ready Pics, Music, Bios)
www.FlyOnTheWallMedia.com

By Michael Mering, cbbfestival.com Senior Correspondent, mikemering@gmail.com

Blue grass and blues. Chicago and Nashville. A grand stage and a hallway haven side stage. Husband and wife.

Our panel of writers here at Chicago Bluegrass & Blues couldn’t have imagined a more successful marital state of affairs for this year’s inaugural festival. Of course, we (the writers) met one another at a swingers’ conference for journalists. It’s quite a scene. One minute you’re discussing obscure documentaries, the next you are tossing your keys into a large bowl and being whisked away to the bondage room by an NPR executive. I guess our parameters for holy matrimony veer from the norm.

Let’s talk music…

Majors Junction and Blue Mother Tupelo… These two bands will help fuel the sonic landscape at the inaugural Chicago Bluegrass & Blues fest, and both feature a dynamic husband-and-wife duo.  Don’t scoff at the sentiment, as you’ll soon be scooped up by the love in the air.

Check the stats:

Blue Mother Tupelo (BMT)

Hometown: Nashville, Tennessee
They moved there in 2001 and have since earned rave reviews and gained momentum with their live shows.

Band Members: BMT is the husband/wife duo of Ricky and Micol Davis

Hollywood Moment: BMT’s video for “Head On My Shoulder” is featured on the DVD of the movie Daltry Calhoun (Miramax, 2005) starring Johnny Knoxville and Juliette Lewis.

Sounds Like: If Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty were actually married and decided to take over Dixie.

They describe their sound as: “Swampadelic Southern Soul Rock”

Majors Junction

Hometown: Chicago, Illinois

Band Members: The husband and wife tandem of Mike Mulcahy (guitar, vocals) and Heather O’Brien (vocals) front the band. Their harmonies are accompanied by Brian Wilkie (pedal steel), Matt Gandurski (guitar), John Hasbrouck (bass), and Colin Williams (drums).

Sounds Like: Everything you love about Johnny Cash and early Wilco.

Their sound has been described as: “Plush Lonesome Western Blues.”

Live show: Keep your eye on chicagoacoustic.net for a podcast with the legendary Michael Teach, and your ear on Hambone’s Blues Party every Thursday night at 10pm on WDCB 90.9FM.  They are scheduled to turn up on both in early November, when you’ll hear them ripthrough several numbers in a very intimate setting.

ABOUT THE CHICAGO BLUEGRASS & BLUES FESTIVAL:

On November 22nd, 2008, the Congress Theater will host the inaugural Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival (cbbfestival.com). While rooted in the foot-stomping influences of bluegrass and blues, the festival will transport the concertgoer through the genre-defying evolution of music today.  The one-day event will serve as a tribute to two schools of music that continue to shape and inspire contemporary rock, jamband, funk, folk, roots, Americana, and indie cultures, while allowing festivalgoers to save a heart.  A portion of each $31 ticket will be donated to the Saving tiny Hearts Society (www.savingtinyhearts.org), an non-profit organization that raises money for America’s #1 birth defect, congenital heart defects (CHD).

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival is all about helping and entertaining as many people as humanly possible.  So we’re damn glad to have another local charity on board, OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS, founded by Oak Park’s very own Mike Carmody.
They’ll be raising money for their wonderful initiatives by helping us sell tickets to the event on November 22nd, so if you know him and need a ticket, give him a call.  But for now, check out the wonderful things OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS is doing for our developmentally disabled friends…

ABOUT OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS:

Opportunity knocks believes that each developmentally disabled person has both the right and the ability to thrive in his/her community. Our goal is to establish an environment of independent living that fosters the personal, social and occupational development of these individuals.

Opportunity Knocks (OK), a 501c 3 non-profit charity, will serve young adults fifteen years of age and older with a range of developmental disabilities, both mild and profound. Realizing that these young adults will function at varying levels, Opportunity Knocks is prepared to fashion an individualized program to accommodate their particular needs.

It is the five-year goal of OK to acquire two facilities that will serve as self-sufficient-entities of the organization.  The facilities will be inhabited and maintained by approximately 15-20 residents.  Access to programs and facilities will include, but not be limited to the residents.  In addition to serving as a group home, these facilities will play host to a slate of programs designed for residents as well as site participants.

Among other programs, OK will be assist in job placement, health and lifestyle coaching and recreational and leisurely pursuits. These will be executed with the ideal of promoting positive and meaningful activities that involve community interaction.

Initiatives
•    Institute a staff and administration that is experienced, certified, committed to the mission of OK, and educated for the special needs of each individual.
•    Pursue the identification and acquisition of a location/facility conducive for the survival and growth of the organization.
•    Develop an open-ongoing communication and integration with parents and the community.
•    Establish a support system that allows and encourages individuals with developmental disabilities to initiate and develop positive relationships with disabled and non-disabled peers.
•    Cultivate a reliable network of outreach connections, including but not limited to business, church and school agencies to creating opportunities for volunteer programs and to collaborate with one another.
•    Create a safe, community-based recreational program that promotes self-sufficiency and personal dignity.
•    Offer opportunities to perform community service and volunteering for all participants of O.K.

INNOVATIVE TRADITIONALISTS THE GIVING TREE BAND AND TANGLEWEED TO TREAT FESTIVALGOERS WITH POP-UP SETS FROM THE HISTORIC CONGRESS THEATER BALCONY

When each of the main stage acts finish their set at the Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival, fans won’t have to wait a half-hour for a continuation of their musical fix.  They’ll merely have to turn around.

Festival organizers have finally announced a poorly-kept surprise long in the making, and confirmed that two of Chicago’s leading bluegrass acts will in fact be part of the day’s festivities.  When the lights go down on each main stage set, the spotlight will immediately shift to the boys of Tangleweed, stationed around a sole mic up in the wings of the historic Congress Theater balcony.

After a few pop-up sets by Tangleweed, they’ll pas the torch to The Giving Tree Band, who’ll entertain fans from above leading up to David Grisman and The Avett Brothers’ headlining sets.

ABOUT THE GIVING TREE BAND (WWW.THEGIVINGTREEBAND.COM):
The Giving Tree Band is a four-piece group of versatile Chicago musicians. Their sound is all acoustic, expanding from a variety of folk and roots traditions. The band has a very dynamic and inventive approach to songwriting and music-making, which they use as a tool for exploring the mystery of life and serving the needs of the community and environment. These troubadours creatively chronicle their own experiences, random thoughts, and deep feelings into a musical diary. By opening it freely, they hope to bring a little joy and inspiration to the lives of the listeners.

The Giving Tree Band’s eclectic and unique brand of soulful folk is the collaboration of four friendly multi-instrumentalists. Bob Salihar adds appeal on guitar. Pat Burke brings brightness on mandolin. Todd Fink contributes color on banjo. Eric Fink delivers depth on upright bass. The members also perform with other instruments such as the classical guitar, slide dobro, dulcimer, ukulele, violin, harmonica, and harmonium. The band sings in four part harmony with each member taking his turn as lead vocalist.

ABOUT TANGLEWEED (WWW.TANGLEWEED.ORG):

Formed in 2004 on Chicago’s north side, Tangleweed is rapidly developing their own innovative slice of Acoustic Americana.  Their first two cd’s have received positive press and frequent radio play in over 20 countries, and they have just released their third, “Most Folk Heroes Started Out As Criminals.”

In 2008, Tangleweed was named “Traditional Musicians of the Year” by the Rural Roots Commission, heard their music featured on the PBS series “Roadtrip Nation”, and performed warmly-received debut shows in Tennessee, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Colorado.

The band features four very different lead vocalists, and is just as nimble with classic bluegrass, folk, mountain music, hot jazz, western swing, and Irish rebel songs as they are re-interpreting the occasional Pere Ubu or Velvet Underground cover.  And yes, their bassist custom-built his own instrument out of a de-commissioned Howitzer Shell.

ABOUT THE CHICAGO BLUEGRASS & BLUES FESTIVAL:

On November 22nd, 2008, the Congress Theater will host the inaugural Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival (cbbfestival.com). While rooted in the foot-stomping influences of bluegrass and blues, the festival will transport the concertgoer through the genre-defying evolution of music today.  The one-day event will serve as a tribute to two schools of music that continue to shape and inspire contemporary rock, jamband, funk, folk, roots, Americana, and indie cultures, while allowing festivalgoers to save a heart.  A portion of each $31 ticket will be donated to the Saving tiny Hearts Society (www.savingtinyhearts.org), an non-profit organization that raises money for America’s #1 birth defect, congenital heart defects (CHD).

As you may have heard, we’ve announced a surprise that has been in the works for some time:  balcony pop-up sets from Tangleweed.  I barely even knows what that means, but I know the folks dig it and the bands think it’s a gay ‘ole time as well.  Show up at the show, and you can experience the acoustic hootenanny that is some spotlit pickin’ from above.  But don’t sit at home like a jerk the night before.

Check out a few free Tangleweed sets at The Charleston in Bucktown, perpetual purveyors of space-time continuum screwballs.  There’ll be a few last minute ticket giveaways.  I’ll let the Charleston take it from here, as stated on their site:

You are traveling through to another dimension,
a dimension not only of sight and sound but of
liquid. It is a dimension as vast as a corner
saloon and timeless as infinity. It is the
middle ground between light and shadow,
between coffee and Cuervo, between
Dickens and Shakespeare.

To some it is the first city of the New World, to
others a frivolous bit of nostalgia left over from
the jazz age. This is a dimension of the
imagination or if you prefer, a tavern.
It is in the area which we call
The Charleston.

CHECK OUT MORE ABOUT THE SHOW AT http://www.tangleweed.org/blog/calendar/

THE ELUSIVE AND UNEXPOSED DONNIE BIGGINS EMERGES FROM PACK TO SATIATE HIS HOMEGROWN FOLLOWING AT THE INAUGURAL CHICAGO BLUEGRASS & BLUES FESTIVAL

Unexpected to festival organizers, the Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival’s “Last Banjo Standing” play-in contest has been a hit.  With over 75 bands entered and over 25,000 votes cast, it’s clear that the indie roots music scene is far from dormant. Midwest musicians, don’t fret, as there’s clearly no need to include a DJ Set in your repertoire to move the masses.

After 15 grueling days of viral voting and myspace pleas, the votes have been tallied and the festival organizers and artists have spoken.  Picking out of the Top 5 vote-getters caused more duress than one could ever ask for, but…… Donnie Biggins, an unpolished and unapologetic singer/songwriter that swears by the inspiration provided by solitude and a Dylan poster, will be opening up the Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival on the Main Stage this November.

Alongside an array of acts far more established and polished, Donnie sang like no one was listening and provided an artist bio that read like a journal entry you’d be embarrassed for your friends to read.  While he’s surely not the first songwriter to pen a song about Barak Obama, he might be the first to avoid sounding contrived or trite in doing so.

So with a MySpace page void of videos showcasing his talents and a mere handful of public appearances under his belt, it’s hard to say what we can expect come November 22nd.   But whatever Donnie has to say that day, you can count on the fact that he’ll mean it.

And for fans of Squeeze-Bot, Josh Phillips Folk Festival, Holy Ghost Tent Revival, and Off the Wagon Bluegrass Band, there’s good news around the horizon.  Too good to turn down, and a bill too full to add to this year, each of the four fellow top-five finishers have been offered a spot on the 2009 Chicago Bluegrass & Blues Festival lineup.  And thus far, Squeeze-Bot and Josh Phillips have already accepted our offer and joined on for next year.  So if you know the rest of these great artists, make sure they don’t turn it down!

Some day Mother Earth is inevitably going to be visited by lifeforms from a far off galaxy, who, unlike the other people we call Aliens, won’t yet hate us. They are going to want to be given a rundown on our society, or else they’ll probably do the first thing that comes to mind when any group of beings is unsure of their next move, and start killing Jews. We can’t let this happen. We’ll have to give them those Cliff’s Notes while entertaining them just the same.

Obviously, we’ll just give them a sampling of our popular music, painting a more complete psychological picture of Earth’s inhabitants than any timeless literature or Gimme’ a Break rerun could provide. So what will we play for them? What will we say to them?

10. Snoop Dogg feat. Dr. Dre – Who Am I(What’s My Name?)(1993) – The most popular music in the world is called “rap,” which everyone seems to secretly love because it helps them pretend they’re much less “pussy” than they actually are. It makes you want to kill your cousin over a dirty look but will help you mate as it makes girls act sluttier than a thick girl with a big rack. You know you’re listening to it when you hear a guy or gal cursing a lot, shouting noises that don’t seem like words, and repeating his or her own name like they’re the Flowers for Algernon guy. Got it, you headneck bust-ass muthafucka? Use this shit on your own people in both mind control and dry humping situations.

9. Neil Young – Rockin’ in the Free World (1989) – See, this music stuff can mean something more underneath the surface. Neil Young plays rock music at its purest. An idolized freak and an electric guitar, that’s all it takes. It makes the people listening to it want to wig out and go ape shit as if someone is actually trying to stop them. Just don’t let it convince you to stop going to high school.

8.USA for Africa – We are the World (1984) – Every once in a while music will be dominated by certain stylistic fads, if you will, and society will follow suit. All the music will sound extremely similar, everyone will love it more than their family, and ten years later those same sheepish hypocrites will make fun of it like it’s a poor kid at a private school. On this sample of one such era, the voice of every person that has ever achieved fame through music can be heard in uplifting discord.

7 & 6. Julio Iglesias- To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before(1984) and Barry White -Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe(1974) – Here on Earth you’ll run into these total D-bags that judge people by the color of their skin. The “black” and “brown” people get ragged on pretty badly by these aforementioned assknuckles, whom also make a big deal about the growing presence of these unfairly treated people throughout society. However, they rightly blame these too magical artists for singlehandedly boosting the birthrates of these “minority populations.”

5. Michael Jackson- Billie Jean(1983) -A song is a great tool to use to send a message about a social issue, like molesting kids, fun-but-bad-for-you drugs, or unwanted pregnancies. For instance, “Billie Jean Is Not My Lover/ She’s Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One/But The Kid Is Not My Son.” But keep in mind, no one will ever pay attention to your super important implication if the song’s beat and rhythm is as bumpin’ as this pre-pee-pee-touchin’ MJ jam.

4.The Grateful Dead – Terrapin Station(1977) – There’s this stuff our leaders once accidentally made when trying to find another way to control us, called LSD or “acid.” I don’t know if you guys have anything like this where you come from, but I do know that you Aliens better turn on, tune in, and drop out to the millions of hours of music made solely to jam to when this acid business is making you feel like the trees are playing Tetris on your forehead and your fingers are dripping all over your pants.

3. Nirvana – Polly(1991) – I assure you Aliens that we are an advanced life form. Only on Earth can a song written by a suicidal drug addict, graphically describing a rape-and-kidnapping plucked from the headlines, be used by privileged preteens to justify hating their providers, cutting themselves, and wanting “everyone to just die, and leave me alone!”

2. J-Lo feat. Ja Rule – I’m Real(2001) – Don’t be intimidated by the artistry I’ve shown you thus far and go thinking you have no chance to contribute to our wealth of popular music. Just take a listen to this ditty. The guy who sounds like he had his throat massaged by a Stegosarus’ balls is technically “singing” as well. This song was pretty much the most popular thing in the world for what seemed like 72 years. People became millionaires off of this shit. Seriously. I’m not fucking with you guys. I’m really not.

1. John Lennon – Imagine(1971) – For centuries, our society has battled with the overwhelming ills of war and poverty. People always act like they want things to get better, but then blatantly contribute to the worsening of these problems. A while back, this really amazing man wrote this beautiful song that we thought might finally get through to the masses and lead our collectively douchey society down the path to righting its wrongs. But then some fat loser shot this guy dead while pretending to be some melodramatic character from some overrated book. No one has really filled Lennon’s shoes since, and these problems have only gotten worse. Oops!